Spoof Beauty and the Beast

School Life: The Dangers of a bottle of Twister

  Today was like any other boring day at school. The moment the lunch bell rang, I ditched my friends and ran to the canteen so that I wouldn't have to wait in a long queue to get my chicken rice. Then I ran to the drinks section and bought a bottle of Twister apple juice. Little did I know that this simple bottle of juice was about to become one of the deadliest weapons in the world.
  I ran and sat at an empty table, ready to stuff a spoonful of rice into my mouth, when I suddenly realized I was thirsty. So I opened the bottle of Twister; except that when I opened it, the bottle cap flew into the air and into some random guy's open mouth, just as he was about to bite into a burger. I watched as his eyes widened in surprise, and then he started choking and coughing violently. I did not go over to help him because I was too shocked, and I was still thirsty and wanted to drink my juice.
  So he continued choking and retching, and when he turned blue in the face some teachers ran over to see what was happening. But I calmly drank my juice and watched the drama that was happening before me. It was really exciting, like a 3-D movie.
  I was so distracted that I stopped drinking the juice, and the bottle tilted in my hand and the contents spilled onto the floor. A year 7 girl who was walking past slipped on the juice. She fell and knocked her head on the side of a chair and lay unconscious on the floor. Meanwhile, the bowl of hot soup and noodles that she was carrying flew into the air, and it fell on top of a teacher's head, scalding the teacher's face and causing the teacher to scream blue murder.
  I watched with excitement as accident after accident happened, each one becoming more gruesome and fatal.
  When the lunch bell rang again, I threw the empty bottle into air, aiming for the dustbin, but instead it hit the canteen worker in the eye, causing him to scream in pain and drop the stack of plates he was holding on some kindergarten kid. The kid had a concussion after that.
  I went back to class feeling that I had accomplished something great. I love my school! It's so exciting. I can't wait to see what will happen tomorrow. :D

When the world comes down

It was the moment I have been waiting for. I registered and waited at the waiting room. The sound of the clock ticking made my heart beat faster. A lady called my name. I was brought to another room. I was sweating all over even though the placed was air conditioned. I walked in the door with my books tightly under my arms. I said , "Good morning, Sir" and turned on the best smile i could do. On the way in, I accidentally dropped my books. The man asked me whether I needed help. I quickly answered no and picked up the books. I sat on the unbalanced chair. The chair made squeeky sounds. The man said, "Start whenever you are ready". I opened the book and slowly placed my hand on the keys. My heart dropped to the floor when I played the first note wrongly. I kept going and rushed through so it would end faster. Once I finished, I took my books and ran off without saying a word. I rushed out of the building and ran to my mom. I burst out of tears. I made her whole new shirt wet. I went back with disappointment.

Two months later, a mail came to my house with my name on it. I took it to my room and locked the room. Before I opened it, I started crying and said that there will be no more hope. I teared the envelope open. I shouted so loudly that my mom something bad happened. I managed to pass my piano exam. From that day onwards, I was a mentally ill kid.

With love :)

PS: I wrote that for my English exam :D EXCEPT THE LAST SENTENCE heehee :D

please fix any grammar mistakes. i made lots of it. im too lazy to read it again.

Prank Calls #1.

Will be an ongoing series. :P

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*phone rings*

NC: Hah? What?

*picks up phone*

NC: Hallo?

???: WHY YOU KEECK MAI RABBITT?!

NC: WHAT RABBIT???

???: THE BLUE ONE LARH! WHART ON EARTH YOUUU DO THAT FOR, SEE, NOW HAVE TO PAY RM1 FOR SURGERY. RM1!!! SEE SO EXPENSIVE. HAIYOHH........

NC: YOU GIVE ME ADDRESS THEN I SEND U MONEY LAH! I NEVER KICK ANY RABBIT SOMEMORE.

???: I DUWAN MONEY!

NC: Fine then what do you want???

???: GIVE ME YOUR FRIDGE.

NC: WHAT YOU WAN IT FOR?! GO KEEP YOUR GOLDFISH ELSEWHERE!

???: THEN GIVE ME YOUR FLOWER!

NC: WHICH ONE?! I'VE GOT SO MANY. YOU WAN THE RAINBOW ONE OR THE GRAY ONE
OR THE CHICKEN RICE ONE???

???: DUCK RICE ONE!

NC: I NEVER SAID I HAVE THE DUCK RICE ONE! ONLY CHICKEN RICE FLOWER LAH. MERAK RICE OSO GOT IF YOU WAN.

???: NVM. TOMOLO I COME TO YOUR HOUSE. YOU GIVE ME RAINWATER.

NC: GO TO BANJIR SITE FOR RAINWATER LAH!

???: BANJIR RAINWATER DIRTY. ALSO CAN DIE WAN.

NC: THEN GO TO TASIK! OR LAUT! OR SUNGAI BESI!

???: TASIK AND LAUT GOT FISH! SUNGAI BESI GOT.......BESI!

NC: WAT WRONG WITH FISH?

???: TASTE LIKE HAND SANITISER!

NC: THEN WHEN YOU COOK WASH THE SOAP OF FIRST LAH!

???: I WANT YOUR RAINWATER!!!

NC: WHY MY RAINWATER?!

???: BECAUSE YOU KEECK MAI RABBEEETT!!!

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The End......For Now.

*No, I'm not usually this rude on the phone, or anywhere else. My insan-yang-insane force isn't unleashed in public. :P

The dog named Sex

Hi readers!!

This is TehRandomiZeRz....

So... my first post.....

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

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